It's not all fun and games...

Today was not the best of days for me. I was told that maybe I should study harder so I understand more. That really got to me, because I am trying so hard. My hardest.

This exchange program is the most difficult thing to ever happen to me. It's so completely and unbelievably frustrating and confusing. When people talk at you all day and you just don't know what they're saying and they expect an answer, it's the worst feeling in the world because everyone's waiting and you don't know what to say and you feel completely stupid. I hate feeling stupid, it's absolutely, in my opinion, the worst feeling in the entire world.

I have been feeling so stupid here. I hate it. I'm trying so hard every day to just understand and learn, and when someone tells me maybe I should try harder it just crushes me because I feel like I'm not good enough.

Today I read 2 pages of a book with Miguel and it took probably about 45 mins to actually understand it. Then, Miguel gave me a children's book to read and it took me another 45 mins to read by myself, because half of the words I didn't know and had to look up.

I went out with my friends today, and that was equally as frustrating as the rest of the day. As nice as my friends are, they don't try to explain anything so I am completely lost in every conversation. Everyone speaks so rapidly, and I just don't understand anything.

It can get really lonely sometimes. No one really actually knows me or my personality, because I can't communicate very well, even though I am trying so hard. It's just a terrible feeling to be a complete outsider, not only am I the new girl, I am the new girl who can't speak Spanish.

I feel like I am constantly treading water, trying to keep my head above water. Every new word I learn is like a gasp of air, and this hope of someday being able to completely understand keeps me going.

I am already dreading school with all of my being, not only because it's scary to be somewhere new, but because I already know I won't understand a word. I can barely understand Castillian, but everyone in my school speaks Valenciano, and many of the classes are taught in Valenciano. This feeling is the worst, just not knowing anything or being able to truly connect with anyone for the sole reason that you DON'T UNDERSTAND. No matter how hard you try.

I'm just hoping that since I am immersed in it, I will become used to it and somehow magically learn it, although it seems impossible now. It is true that everyday I learn something new here, actually multiple things, yet it just seems like I'm still not progressing, even though I know I am. I just can't shake the feeling that I'm disappointing people here.

I just want so badly to be able to understand, and communicate better, and actually be able to be myself and stop being this quiet girl that I don't know. I don't like portraying someone that I'm not. Right now, I am my own best friend because nobody else knows who I actually am.

I know that with time, I will learn more. And I will be able to understand and communicate better, but I just want to be able to speed time up a little bit so it's not so hard right now.

But, even as frustrating and confusing as it is....I know it's worth it. I don't want to go home, I love it here. What I want is to understand, which I know I eventually will. I just needed to vent and be able to tell somebody how I'm feeling. And as hard as this is, I understand that nothing worthwhile comes easily, and that in the end, all of these tears and frustrations will be worth it.