Self defense

I have a confession to make. I did something kind of bad. Well not bad, but maybe a little disrespectful. And anyone who knows me, knows I NEVER disrespect anyone....especially not my teachers...

Before you judge me and say I'm a terrible person, please listen to my story. My math teacher is not exactly my favorite person in the world, to put it politely. Not only is math hard enough as it is, but it's taught in Valenciano as well, but my teacher just doesn't like to explain. He moves so quickly in class, and I can't keep up with any of the problems. When I try to ask questions, he completely shuts me down and isn't the least bit helpful.

Please, please believe me when I tell you I am trying my absolute best in his class. I am going to extra tutoring lessons twice a week so I can attempt to pass his class. That being said, I took the test last week and we got them back Monday. I didn't get the grade I was hoping for, but it was better than the last one, which shows I'm improving. Anyway, I had a question about the last question on the test because he had marked that I " made it too complicated". I went to ask him what he meant, but he didn't even answer my question.

Instead he went on and on about how he didn't know what I did, when clearly my work was right there on the paper. I tried to explain to him my reasoning, but he wouldn't listen to what I had to say. Finally I got so frustrated that I had my English friend Ellie translate for me, because honestly I was so frustrated I couldn't even think in Spanish.

Then what really got me was he kept making all of these rude comments, and that just sent me over the edge. I've been working so hard in his class, in a language that I don't understand, and it made me so mad that he didn't even appreciate that I am trying. So...I went on a rampage. In English.

I was standing at his desk, listening to him criticize me, when I suddenly burst out everything I was feeling. It went a little something like this.." Oh my god, our teacher is retarded. I just explained to him how I did this, and he's not even listening to what I have to say. Maybe if he wasn't such an a**hole and actually appreciated all the effort I was putting into his class, I would have some respect for him." Of course, the only person who understood me was Ellie, or so I thought. Because when I was done my rant, my teacher said "Mary, I understand you", to which I had no reply and turned and walked away. It also didn't help that my whole class was staring at me like I was some kind of foreign crazy person, which I guess I kind of was.

But to be fair, I apologized later to him. Even though he deserved that. I have to admit, it did feel kind of good to say what I needed to, just to let out those pent up frustrations. I surprised myself so much, because normally I would NEVER do that EVER. I don't know, I think it was okay for me this time though. I'm not justifying disrespecting your teachers or calling people names because that's not okay. But the fact of the matter is, I was standing up for myself.

I knew how hard I worked, and how much I was trying, and I'm so tired of people here telling me to study more, try harder, and do better. I'm doing all that I can, and I defended myself. I'm not proud of what I said to him, but I'm proud of the initiative. Since I've been here, I've learnt to completely trust myself and defend myself too, because when you're 16 and living in a foreign country, you are all you have. But I suppose that stands true for all of life. If you don't believe in yourself, who will?